August 16, 2004-August 11, 2010
I complained about the horrible 12 hour rotating shifts. The days of complete boredom were equally as bad as the days of complete chaos, missed lunches and skipped restroom breaks. Missing birthday parties, working holidays, working extra just to get extra time off. That tiny freezing room and some of those people I came in contact with ugh. I complained about it. I did hate all that.
I loved it regardless. I loved picking up the phone to that one call that sends your blood rushing, your adrenaline into over drive. I loved the commonality I shared with those I worked with...even the ones I wish I didn't work with;) The rush of taking an insane cluster of emergencies and handling them like a rock star. Knowing that I was a piece of the chain that saved a life.
It was an internship. That's all. Something I HAD to do in order to graduate and get to what I REALLY wanted to do. I laugh at how little I know myself sometimes. I smile at how so many things fell in my path that were just what I needed...wanted. 2 months of just an internship and I was hooked...in love.
I remember reminding myself that I did not go to school for this. I had BIGGER plans. I would do this just to get it out of my system and then I would get back on MY plan. I said that each year for almost 6 years:)
The most important people in my life, up until now, are the only ones that knew the impact of August 11, 2010. The rest only saw what I let them. It was personal. Not for all eyes.
I had to leave work. Had to. I was a wife and the mother of a 8 month old and my body was struggling to keep up. Unlike before having our little girl, I now had no downtime to recover from the strain of 12 hours. My legs would swell so badly I would clock out without shoes because they no longer would go on my feet. The pain was awful some days. I felt so weighed down and had no energy to LIVE, really live I mean. My off time was just about recovering so I could do it again. My doctors became concerned due to the increased swelling and other issues it began to cause. They put me out of work. I was optimistic. That's who I am. They will figure this out, they are doctors. I will take medicine or have a procedure and all will be fine.
Nope, none of those were in the cards. My life there at the PD was over. I died a little inside that day.
I don't dare compare my "loss" to that of actually losing a person you love. Because it's not. We each have our own battles, and this one was mine. What I do realize is that it took a toll on me. I went through the stages of loss. I did lose something. Something that was hard to let go of.
Denial:
No way this is getting in my way. I will be back there in no time. A few test, a few second opinions and I will be well on my way. This is not getting the best of me after all these years. It is not happening to me. I worked to hard. It will be OK. There is nothing wrong with me, I can work through this. I can work with this. It's tough but I can tough it out. No. No. No.
Even though we had talked about me leaving and being home with our little girl, it still is completely different when it goes from being an option you have to something u have no control over. I also tried to play the "this is what I wanted" card. I thought it would make me feel better if I tried and made myself and other think this was MY choice. "oh, I want to be a stay at home mom", "this is why I am leaving." No. No. No.
Anger:
How can God do this to me. I never complained or let this chair get in my way. I took it with a smile because it is who I am. How could God let me go to school so many years, build so many dreams of my future and career, let me get SO involved at this place just to strip it away. MAD. MAD. MAD.
I was mad at everything. I was mad at myself for not being strong enough to keep it under control. I was mad when my husband would come home with work stories. "I DO NOT want to hear about your work stories. I have been at this house all day. The only work stories I have left are about a broom, a mop, and spit up." I was so angry. Angry at those that chose to stay home instead of work. They could but didn't, I wanted to but couldn't. MAD. MAD. MAD. So many people able to work, so many people complaining when they are ABLE. Made me sick. I was mad. Not everyday. A lot of days I was fine. Just certain times it would all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was most mad at myself. Because I was at home with my little girl, feeling better than I had the entire 8 months of her life. But I still wanted to be at work. I beat myself up. What kind of mom would rather be at work than with her baby. What kind of mother wants to cry because she has to stay home all day. What kind of mother am I.
Bargaining:
God, I will never complain about that place again if I can just go back. I will go everyday with a smile on my face. Just give me a few more days there. I just want to answer a few more calls. I will go this, I will do that.... PLEASE.PLEASE. PLEASE.
I don't think I stayed in this stage very long. I vaguely remember thinking any of those. Anger and depression seemed to be the places I stayed in longest. Those are the feelings I remember most. The anger and the crying.
Depression:
Hearing a dispatcher on my husbands radio he forgot to turn off would feel like a punch in my gut. I would go passed a mirror in my pj's and think, this is all u are now. A PJ wearing mom. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I felt numb some days, like I was just going through the motions. I could feel my happy slipping away some days...and I didn't even care to try and catch it. I felt like I was watching a movie. This was not my life, I was watching a sad movie instead. I kept a lot inside. I felt I was overreacting. Being silly over something small. I couldn't sleep or I couldn't get enough sleep. Going through the motions. CRY. CRY. CRY.
Acceptance:
I still get a little sad when I go through the mail and find a letter from APCO(a membership for emergency communications). I've found training pamphlets, notes I wrote, etc while cleaning and you'd think I found a video of someone I lost. I kept my ID badge in my wallet for so long. Felt too official to take it out.
But somewhere along the path, I slowly started to recover. My anger in God turned to understanding. I was so wrapped up in work, it was taking such a toll on my body, I was missing the MOST important things in life: Husband, Baby, family. I look back now and I am almost shocked at how it hit me. Now, I can't imagine my life being back where it was. I wouldn't want to go back. I am IN LOVE with where I am at this moment. So many blessings have been given in return for the loss of one!
I have been able to watch my little girl grow first hand. I've seen things her daddy missed, things I would have missed had I been allowed to keep my hands on the wheel. I've discovered talents I had forgotten I had, discovered new ones as well. I kicked and screamed because I was taken away from where I thought I was suppose to be...only to open my eyes and realize THIS is where I am suppose to be.
I am glad I went through all of that. It was hard. I was a mess. I am still thankful for it.
I miss that part of the old me. Sometimes more than others. What once felt like a loss, like God had turned His back...now feels like a little peace of Heaven...a true gift of a better life:) I am SO thankful for all those that took a punch but stood by me, supported me, and never left my side. My husband is the greatest man alive. He loved me through it all. I love him. He is my rock.
On the days my smile was not really heartfelt...I'm glad I wore it anyways. We all find ourselves on our knees at times...we have no control over the events that bring us there. We do have control over getting back up tho. WE do.
I'm glad I got back up. I'm even standing a little taller than before<3 Thank you God, for your blessings in disguise.
Philippians 4:6-7Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
My toddler fed me...some of my own words.
I don't want to put this out in the open. It's not something I am proud of at all. I did not even realize I said it, till I was fed the words back.
It was one of those days. Regardless if you have children or not, we all have those days. The kind of day where anything you touch breaks, spills, and/or causes a domino effect. I was trying to get the house clean, preoccupied with a million things on my mind. The living room was spotless. I cleaned the furniture so good. I leave the room to add softener to the clothes. The phone rings, another distraction. Come back into the living room and my toddler is massaging yogurt into my recliner in an attempt to "my hands get dirty, I wipe um osh".
I should have walked away.
I didn't.
I went into a fit. "You KNOW better. Mama has been cleaning all day, why would you do this?" I could feel the angry look all over my face. I took the yogurt from her tiny hands and angrily slung it into the trash. "You will not eat another yogurt until you learn it goes in your mouth NOT on furniture!" and then as if I didn't already overreact enough..."Next time, get your face out of the TV and ask for a napkin."
The last part I didn't even know I said. Not until she got up, went to her little lunch table, sat down and looked at me and said, "mama, I want nother yogrit please. I sit at my table and I wont get it on your chair." Then comes the part that stopped me in my tracks. The moment she fed me my words. "I will gets my face out the TV and say Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa I need a paper towels I promise."
Ouch.
She heard every.single.word.I.said.
How long will she remember that moment.
How prevalent will that 2 minutes of my slipped tongue be among her lil memories.
She opened my eyes in that moment. The yogurt drying on my freshly cleaned chair no longer seemed a big deal. What was now the big deal was that I let anger get the best of me. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I ate my words. I was shocked at how terrible it sounded when I heard it come from her lips.
I'm not perfect. I know that. I punished myself over and over all day over it. As I write this, I still cringe. I can't take it back. She may always remember that brief moment.
What I did do was immediately go over to her, got on her eye level and told her "baby, mommy is so sorry for getting so mad just now. I love you. Rubbing yogurt on furniture is a No No, but mommy yelling and being mean is a no no too. I'm not mad at you, I love you." While I made a big mistake of losing my temper over something so minor, I hope I made a big deal over admitting I was wrong and apologizing.
You don't ever realize how much your children will help you grow. Between all the care you give them by feeding, changing, rocking, soothing, teaching...you don't realize they are helping you more than you are them. I am so much more aware of my words, my actions, my ATTITUDE, because she is a sponge and takes it all in. Will I ever lose my temper again? I'd bet money on it. Will I be more careful to step back before reacting next time? I'd bet my life on it.
I learned several things in 2 short minutes.
They do listen.
They do watch.
They will remember.
When angry, two steps back are a good thing.
Mistakes hurt more when you learn nothing from them.
Apologize when you are wrong in how you react to a person's actions.
Apologize when you are wrong.
I hope that my actions after spoke louder than my horrible words.
This is a lesson I can use in every relationship I have.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
James 1:19
It was one of those days. Regardless if you have children or not, we all have those days. The kind of day where anything you touch breaks, spills, and/or causes a domino effect. I was trying to get the house clean, preoccupied with a million things on my mind. The living room was spotless. I cleaned the furniture so good. I leave the room to add softener to the clothes. The phone rings, another distraction. Come back into the living room and my toddler is massaging yogurt into my recliner in an attempt to "my hands get dirty, I wipe um osh".
I should have walked away.
I didn't.
I went into a fit. "You KNOW better. Mama has been cleaning all day, why would you do this?" I could feel the angry look all over my face. I took the yogurt from her tiny hands and angrily slung it into the trash. "You will not eat another yogurt until you learn it goes in your mouth NOT on furniture!" and then as if I didn't already overreact enough..."Next time, get your face out of the TV and ask for a napkin."
The last part I didn't even know I said. Not until she got up, went to her little lunch table, sat down and looked at me and said, "mama, I want nother yogrit please. I sit at my table and I wont get it on your chair." Then comes the part that stopped me in my tracks. The moment she fed me my words. "I will gets my face out the TV and say Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa I need a paper towels I promise."
Ouch.
She heard every.single.word.I.said.
How long will she remember that moment.
How prevalent will that 2 minutes of my slipped tongue be among her lil memories.
She opened my eyes in that moment. The yogurt drying on my freshly cleaned chair no longer seemed a big deal. What was now the big deal was that I let anger get the best of me. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I ate my words. I was shocked at how terrible it sounded when I heard it come from her lips.
I'm not perfect. I know that. I punished myself over and over all day over it. As I write this, I still cringe. I can't take it back. She may always remember that brief moment.
What I did do was immediately go over to her, got on her eye level and told her "baby, mommy is so sorry for getting so mad just now. I love you. Rubbing yogurt on furniture is a No No, but mommy yelling and being mean is a no no too. I'm not mad at you, I love you." While I made a big mistake of losing my temper over something so minor, I hope I made a big deal over admitting I was wrong and apologizing.
You don't ever realize how much your children will help you grow. Between all the care you give them by feeding, changing, rocking, soothing, teaching...you don't realize they are helping you more than you are them. I am so much more aware of my words, my actions, my ATTITUDE, because she is a sponge and takes it all in. Will I ever lose my temper again? I'd bet money on it. Will I be more careful to step back before reacting next time? I'd bet my life on it.
I learned several things in 2 short minutes.
They do listen.
They do watch.
They will remember.
When angry, two steps back are a good thing.
Mistakes hurt more when you learn nothing from them.
Apologize when you are wrong in how you react to a person's actions.
Apologize when you are wrong.
I hope that my actions after spoke louder than my horrible words.
This is a lesson I can use in every relationship I have.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
James 1:19
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Just try Mama, I help you.
"Just try mama, I help you." My almost 3 year old is more my hero than I am hers. I always knew God would send the perfect child to me. A child that would push me to be greater than great.
I prepared myself, as much as possible, for the days when her curiosity would zero in on me. I knew the time would come when she would begin to try and understand why I sit when all other moms walk. I expected it.
What I did not expect was the concern, the intense want to understand not just know. The way she tilted her head to one side with the sweetest eyes and most assured voice while saying "Just try mama, I help you." She wanted me to try and walk...with her help. I never imagined how proud one little statement would make me feel while at the same time suffocating me. This tiny, 26 lb little girl that I helped take her first steps...she wanted to help me do the same. So much concern and love in her words and in her beautiful brown, speckled green eyes. I was so proud of her faith in me...suffocated that I already knew I would not be able to do what she believed she could help me do.
It's been the topic of a lot of random conversations with her lately. "When you get bigger, then you walk?" "When I get big, I will carry you like daddy!" "You had surgeries when you was little like me, that make you sad?" "I walk, daddy walk, you push your chair." I know this is just the beginning. While she is curious for answers now, she is content with the most simple answer.
I am one of those people that may slightly, or more so, irk others around me with my constant smile and positive attitude. So, of course I look on the brighter side of this journey. This journey that I make slightly diff than most. What could I dwell on? hmmm... That I can't chase after my child, that I can't stand in the deep end of a pool and help her swim. That I will never hold her hand and run through the sand into the ocean. That I can't help her climb up a big inflatable so she can slide down. I can't hold her by her hands and spin her around in circles. I will not be able to teach her to hula hoop, jump rope, play hop scotch, dance...the list could go on for hours. Nope, I wont dwell on those things. Will they cross my mind more than once? Yes, they already have. I will not DWELL on them. Nope, I am bigger than that...she deserves more than that. Dwelling on the negatives will only cause me to miss so much that is good and positive. Positive? Yes, I could go on for days instead of hours on positive...don't forget I am the optimist:) She loves to ride in my lap, I can paint with her, take her to the park, to the zoo, swing her, run through a sprinkler with her, read to her, draw with her, play babies with her, LOVE her, encourage her, BE there for her...the list goes on. Most importantly tho, I have an opportunity to show her that differences are OK, that positive thinking can completely turn a situation around, that obstacles make you stronger! I want her to understand faith is not having things go perfectly, but instead knowing everything is part of a bigger plan!
We are only as strong as our biggest battle fought! I love her curiosity. I love her concern for me. I love her faith in me. I love her for pushing me. I love her.
I don't know what is ahead of us on our journey, but I plan on rollin' with it:)
I prepared myself, as much as possible, for the days when her curiosity would zero in on me. I knew the time would come when she would begin to try and understand why I sit when all other moms walk. I expected it.
What I did not expect was the concern, the intense want to understand not just know. The way she tilted her head to one side with the sweetest eyes and most assured voice while saying "Just try mama, I help you." She wanted me to try and walk...with her help. I never imagined how proud one little statement would make me feel while at the same time suffocating me. This tiny, 26 lb little girl that I helped take her first steps...she wanted to help me do the same. So much concern and love in her words and in her beautiful brown, speckled green eyes. I was so proud of her faith in me...suffocated that I already knew I would not be able to do what she believed she could help me do.
It's been the topic of a lot of random conversations with her lately. "When you get bigger, then you walk?" "When I get big, I will carry you like daddy!" "You had surgeries when you was little like me, that make you sad?" "I walk, daddy walk, you push your chair." I know this is just the beginning. While she is curious for answers now, she is content with the most simple answer.
I am one of those people that may slightly, or more so, irk others around me with my constant smile and positive attitude. So, of course I look on the brighter side of this journey. This journey that I make slightly diff than most. What could I dwell on? hmmm... That I can't chase after my child, that I can't stand in the deep end of a pool and help her swim. That I will never hold her hand and run through the sand into the ocean. That I can't help her climb up a big inflatable so she can slide down. I can't hold her by her hands and spin her around in circles. I will not be able to teach her to hula hoop, jump rope, play hop scotch, dance...the list could go on for hours. Nope, I wont dwell on those things. Will they cross my mind more than once? Yes, they already have. I will not DWELL on them. Nope, I am bigger than that...she deserves more than that. Dwelling on the negatives will only cause me to miss so much that is good and positive. Positive? Yes, I could go on for days instead of hours on positive...don't forget I am the optimist:) She loves to ride in my lap, I can paint with her, take her to the park, to the zoo, swing her, run through a sprinkler with her, read to her, draw with her, play babies with her, LOVE her, encourage her, BE there for her...the list goes on. Most importantly tho, I have an opportunity to show her that differences are OK, that positive thinking can completely turn a situation around, that obstacles make you stronger! I want her to understand faith is not having things go perfectly, but instead knowing everything is part of a bigger plan!
We are only as strong as our biggest battle fought! I love her curiosity. I love her concern for me. I love her faith in me. I love her for pushing me. I love her.
I don't know what is ahead of us on our journey, but I plan on rollin' with it:)
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