Stages of grief for a 911 dispatcher.

August 16, 2004-August 11, 2010

I complained about the horrible 12 hour rotating shifts. The days of complete boredom were equally as bad as the days of complete chaos, missed lunches and skipped restroom breaks. Missing birthday parties, working holidays, working extra just to get extra time off. That tiny freezing room and some of those people I came in contact with ugh. I complained about it. I did hate all that.

I loved it regardless. I loved picking up the phone to that one call that sends your blood rushing, your adrenaline into over drive. I loved the commonality I shared with those I worked with...even the ones I wish I didn't work with;) The rush of taking an insane cluster of emergencies and handling them like a rock star. Knowing that I was a piece of the chain that saved a life.

It was an internship. That's all. Something I HAD to do in order to graduate and get to what I REALLY wanted to do. I laugh at how little I know myself sometimes. I smile at how so many things fell in my path that were just what I needed...wanted. 2 months of just an internship and I was hooked...in love.

I remember reminding myself that I did not go to school for this. I had BIGGER plans. I would do this just to get it out of my system and then I would get back on MY plan. I said that each year for almost 6 years:)

The most important people in my life, up until now, are the only ones that knew the impact of August 11, 2010. The rest only saw what I let them. It was personal. Not for all eyes.

I had to leave work. Had to. I was a wife and the mother of a 8 month old and my body was struggling to keep up. Unlike before having our little girl, I now had no downtime to recover from the strain of 12 hours. My legs would swell so badly I would clock out without shoes because they no longer would go on my feet. The pain was awful some days. I felt so weighed down and had no energy to LIVE, really live I mean. My off time was just about recovering so I could do it again. My doctors became concerned due to the increased swelling and other issues it began to cause. They put me out of work. I was optimistic. That's who I am. They will figure this out, they are doctors. I will take medicine or have a procedure and all will be fine.

Nope, none of those were in the cards. My life there at the PD was over. I died a little inside that day.

I don't dare compare my "loss" to that of actually losing a person you love. Because it's not. We each have our own battles, and this one was mine. What I do realize is that it took a toll on me. I went through the stages of loss. I did lose something. Something that was hard to let go of.

Denial:

No way this is getting in my way. I will be back there in no time. A few test, a few second opinions and I will be well on my way. This is not getting the best of me after all these years. It is not happening to me. I worked to hard. It will be OK. There is nothing wrong with me, I can work through this. I can work with this. It's tough but I can tough it out. No. No. No.

Even though we had talked about me leaving and being home with our little girl, it still is completely different when it goes from being an option you have to something u have no control over. I also tried to play the "this is what I wanted" card. I thought it would make me feel better if I tried and made myself and other think this was MY choice. "oh, I want to be a stay at home mom", "this is why I am leaving." No. No. No.

Anger:

How can God do this to me. I never complained or let this chair get in my way. I took it with a smile because it is who I am. How could God let me go to school so many years, build so many dreams of my future and career, let me get SO involved at this place just to strip it away. MAD. MAD. MAD.

I was mad at everything. I was mad at myself for not being strong enough to keep it under control. I was mad when my husband would come home with work stories. "I DO NOT want to hear about your work stories. I have been at this house all day. The only work stories I have left are about a broom, a mop, and spit up." I was so angry. Angry at those that chose to stay home instead of work. They could but didn't, I wanted to but couldn't. MAD. MAD. MAD. So many people able to work, so many people complaining when they are ABLE. Made me sick. I was mad. Not everyday. A lot of days I was fine. Just certain times it would all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was most mad at myself. Because I was at home with my little girl, feeling better than I had the entire 8 months of her life. But I still wanted to be at work. I beat myself up. What kind of mom would rather be at work than with her baby. What kind of mother wants to cry because she has to stay home all day. What kind of mother am I.

Bargaining:

God, I will never complain about that place again if I can just go back. I will go everyday with a smile on my face. Just give me a few more days there. I just want to answer a few more calls. I will go this, I will do that.... PLEASE.PLEASE. PLEASE.

I don't think I stayed in this stage very long. I vaguely remember thinking any of those. Anger and depression seemed to be the places I stayed in longest. Those are the feelings I remember most. The anger and the crying.

Depression:

Hearing a dispatcher on my husbands radio he forgot to turn off would feel like a punch in my gut. I would go passed a mirror in my pj's and think, this is all u are now. A PJ wearing mom. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I felt numb some days, like I was just going through the motions. I could feel my happy slipping away some days...and I didn't even care to try and catch it. I felt like I was watching a movie. This was not my life, I was watching a sad movie instead. I kept a lot inside. I felt I was overreacting. Being silly over something small. I couldn't sleep or I couldn't get enough sleep. Going through the motions. CRY. CRY. CRY.

Acceptance:

I still get a little sad when I go through the mail and find a letter from APCO(a membership for emergency communications). I've found training pamphlets, notes I wrote, etc while cleaning and you'd think I found a video of someone I lost. I kept my ID badge in my wallet for so long. Felt too official to take it out.
But somewhere along the path, I slowly started to recover. My anger in God turned to understanding. I was so wrapped up in work, it was taking such a toll on my body, I was missing the MOST important things in life: Husband, Baby, family. I look back now and I am almost shocked at how it hit me. Now, I can't imagine my life being back where it was. I wouldn't want to go back. I am IN LOVE with where I am at this moment. So many blessings have been given in return for the loss of one!

I have been able to watch my little girl grow first hand. I've seen things her daddy missed, things I would have missed had I been allowed to keep my hands on the wheel. I've discovered talents I had forgotten I had, discovered new ones as well. I kicked and screamed because I was taken away from where I thought I was suppose to be...only to open my eyes and realize THIS is where I am suppose to be.

I am glad I went through all of that. It was hard. I was a mess. I am still thankful for it.
I miss that part of the old me. Sometimes more than others. What once felt like a loss, like God had turned His back...now feels like a little peace of Heaven...a true gift of a better life:) I am SO thankful for all those that took a punch but stood by me, supported me, and never left my side. My husband is the greatest man alive. He loved me through it all. I love him. He is my rock.


On the days my smile was not really heartfelt...I'm glad I wore it anyways. We all find ourselves on our knees at times...we have no control over the events that bring us there. We do have control over getting back up tho. WE do.

I'm glad I got back up. I'm even standing a little taller than before<3 Thank you God, for your blessings in disguise.

Philippians 4:6-7Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.