I don't want to put this out in the open. It's not something I am proud of at all. I did not even realize I said it, till I was fed the words back.
It was one of those days. Regardless if you have children or not, we all have those days. The kind of day where anything you touch breaks, spills, and/or causes a domino effect. I was trying to get the house clean, preoccupied with a million things on my mind. The living room was spotless. I cleaned the furniture so good. I leave the room to add softener to the clothes. The phone rings, another distraction. Come back into the living room and my toddler is massaging yogurt into my recliner in an attempt to "my hands get dirty, I wipe um osh".
I should have walked away.
I didn't.
I went into a fit. "You KNOW better. Mama has been cleaning all day, why would you do this?" I could feel the angry look all over my face. I took the yogurt from her tiny hands and angrily slung it into the trash. "You will not eat another yogurt until you learn it goes in your mouth NOT on furniture!" and then as if I didn't already overreact enough..."Next time, get your face out of the TV and ask for a napkin."
The last part I didn't even know I said. Not until she got up, went to her little lunch table, sat down and looked at me and said, "mama, I want nother yogrit please. I sit at my table and I wont get it on your chair." Then comes the part that stopped me in my tracks. The moment she fed me my words. "I will gets my face out the TV and say Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaa I need a paper towels I promise."
Ouch.
She heard every.single.word.I.said.
How long will she remember that moment.
How prevalent will that 2 minutes of my slipped tongue be among her lil memories.
She opened my eyes in that moment. The yogurt drying on my freshly cleaned chair no longer seemed a big deal. What was now the big deal was that I let anger get the best of me. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I ate my words. I was shocked at how terrible it sounded when I heard it come from her lips.
I'm not perfect. I know that. I punished myself over and over all day over it. As I write this, I still cringe. I can't take it back. She may always remember that brief moment.
What I did do was immediately go over to her, got on her eye level and told her "baby, mommy is so sorry for getting so mad just now. I love you. Rubbing yogurt on furniture is a No No, but mommy yelling and being mean is a no no too. I'm not mad at you, I love you." While I made a big mistake of losing my temper over something so minor, I hope I made a big deal over admitting I was wrong and apologizing.
You don't ever realize how much your children will help you grow. Between all the care you give them by feeding, changing, rocking, soothing, teaching...you don't realize they are helping you more than you are them. I am so much more aware of my words, my actions, my ATTITUDE, because she is a sponge and takes it all in. Will I ever lose my temper again? I'd bet money on it. Will I be more careful to step back before reacting next time? I'd bet my life on it.
I learned several things in 2 short minutes.
They do listen.
They do watch.
They will remember.
When angry, two steps back are a good thing.
Mistakes hurt more when you learn nothing from them.
Apologize when you are wrong in how you react to a person's actions.
Apologize when you are wrong.
I hope that my actions after spoke louder than my horrible words.
This is a lesson I can use in every relationship I have.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
James 1:19
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